Ever feel like you're sitting at the edge of your life, waiting for it to begin? You see everyone around you moving forward, but you're sitting still. You're in a glass bubble and you want nothing more than to break free and join everyone on this journey called living. You try to stand and punch holes in the bubble, and when you succeed, you feel an incredible rush. Only to crumble again when you realize your bubble has one thousand layers and you do not have the energy, or; admit it, even the desire to keep punching. You sink back down and continue watching everyone through the glass. No one is flaunting their forward motion, but it's so glaringly obvious, you feel like they're laughing in your face. You watch everyone seemingly glide through their twenties with every ounce of poise you only wish you could muster. Dream jobs, dream homes, dream families. Everything you wish you had, so far out of reach seems to come so easily for others. You recognize that they have worked for it and deserve it, but didn't you do something right, too? My bubble feels like it's getting smaller now. I have to curl up in a ball to keep my heart from feeling like it's falling out of my chest. With my face pressed on the bottom of my glass prison, I continue watching and hoping that someday, I can break free....

UGH.

I always promised myself I wouldn't be one of "those" TTCers.. The kind that go on facebook and start to cry. The kind that see everyone they've ever known post updates about their pregnancies and adorable pictures of their babies, and get angry and bitter. It's not at ALL that I'm unhappy for my fortunate, fertile friends, not at all.. I am happy. They have every right to boast about the happiness they are feeling.. Because you bet your ass when it's my turn, I'll be doing the same damn thing. It's just difficult. It's been getting harder lately. The problem with being friends with lots of women in their twenties and thirties, is that eventually, they all get pregnant. And you feel left behind. I don't know what kind of water the women within my friends circle have been drinking lately, but it's a god damn baby boom out there on facebook land. I shit you not, every second or third update makes me want to cry.

I don't have any plans of blocking anyone, or avoiding facebook at all, so I guess I just better grow a thicker skin.

Being a LTTTCer SUCKS!

Results

Well, there was improvement. Not enough, but we're definitely moving in the right direction.

Before starting on the hormone replacements, my thyroid levels were so low, there were almost literally undetectable. They started at 0.3 and now went up to 1.3. The normal levels are 3-5. We are definitely going up which is good.

Before, my Thyroid Stimulation Hormone (TSH) levels were ridiculously high; 123.6, while they should have been somwhere between 5-15. I am happy to report they plummeted down to 8.3. In the comments section of the paper my doctor gave me, though, she marked down that 8.3 was still higher than she'd like it.

Based on those results, my levothyroxine dose was increased from 100 mcgs to 125 mcgs daily. It's now been 10 days since the upgrade, and I think I feel a little better. It's hard to tell yet, but I feel a twinge of good. :)

I also received an unexpected shot while I was there. I was a bit of a baby about it (you would be too if you didn't know it was coming!) but it was mostly pain free (most of the tenderness and pain came days after!). It was a shot of vitamin B12. Apparently that came back low when they measured my vitamins (vitamin D is still low also) and it has a lot to do with feeling tired and grumpy. So right then and there, they injected me with B12. I can't say I felt much of a difference energy wise, but we were just coming home from a super busy tiring weekend, so I'm not sure if it compromised the results. Today I went to town and picked up a bottle of B12 vitamins that I'll start taking daily, so we'll see later if it makes a difference!

So there we have it. I go back in on August 24th for my next blood draw and hopefully I'll see an even better result!

On a side note, I just finished up my period. It was much more normal this month, but still dragggggged on for 11 days!! But it looks like I may be back on track :) yay. I will probably test with OPKs the next few days to see if I'm ovulating :) Just for fun...

2 more days!

And I will know the results of my blood draw. The last week has gone by fast and slow at the same time. Fast, because I had a blast with my family at the beach, and slow because I've been trying not to drive myself crazy wondering what the doctor will say Monday morning.

On another note, I think AF is here. I've been spotting for a few days and today it seems to be picking up (unfortunately, along with back pain and cramps) but it would be a good thing to have a real period considering last month.

The Results are In

But I won't know until Monday July 18th at 10:20 am. I had my blood drawn this past Tuesday.. No problems this time, thankfully. I got a call this morning from their office that the Doctor wanted to see me in person to go over the test results and discuss the next steps. I'm leaving tomorrow for a 6 day beach vacation with my family (yay) so I have to wait until after that!! Kinda lame, but the fact that they were okay with that and that they said nothing about changing the dosage of my medication until I sit down with the Doctor made me feel a little better. It's always always about waiting though, isn't it? Sigh.

Another bump in the road..

Knowing where to begin is proving to be difficult.. I've been hit with so much new information recently that I've been left kind of staggering, trying to regain my footing in this new change in my life. About 3 weeks ago, I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's Disease. I've been absorbing as much new material as possible, and I feel like I'm still trying to catch up. When you find out you have a disease, the first thing you want to do is learn all about it and try to understand. I am in a better place now, as far as knowing what's going on with my body, but I feel like I still have a lot to learn. I'm trying to take it all in stride and remain positive, but it's difficult.

I guess I should start at the beginning.. For the past few months, I haven't been feeling well.. To be honest, I haven't been feeling well for a lot longer than that, but recently, it's made a bigger impact on my life. I was constantly in pain from cramps in my legs and lower back, I was feeling nauseous and had an upset stomach daily from the medication I was taking (the wrong medication, but we'll get to that), my skin was getting super dry and cracking, my hair was falling out and felt like steel wool, I was packing on the pounds even though I was on a strict diet, and I was really starting to get depressed. It was hard to get out of bed, to get dressed, to do anything. I had no energy and no desire to do anything. I was a complete train wreck emotionally, crying all the time for no reason.. I put on a smiling face for my friends and family, but I was really starting to lose it. I knew something was wrong and that I had to do something about it. I made the decision to go see a general practitioner here in Washington since the last 3 doctors I had seen in the last year were so field specific. The neurologist, the gynecologist, and the reproductive endocrinologist.. I felt like we had too many fancy titles. I just wanted a plain ol family doctor who could help me. I found one online that was close to home and made an appointment mid May.

I went in with 3 major concerns. My leg and lower back cramps, my depression, and my weight. We briefly went over my trying to conceive history and I described my symptoms to her. She had me take a little "quiz" that was supposed to help her diagnose depression, and she said that based on the results of that quiz alone, she felt comfortable diagnosing me with Situational Depression. She said the stress of TTC, moving, and losing my job in the last 6 months were most likely the reason I was feeling this badly. I was offered anti depressants right there, but she asked if I felt I could wait a little longer. Because although she thought they would be beneficial, she wanted to draw some blood and run some tests to see if anything else was really going on. And boy, am I glad she did. I told her I could definitely wait longer before taking any kind of pills, and I left her office with a lab slip in my hand.

The next weekend, I went to get my blood drawn. That was an event in itself... To make a long story short, I had to be poked 5 times and go to two different clinics before they could get any blood out of me, and they had to fill 7 vials. Both ladies taking my blood sure weren't helpful in making me feel better. They kept gawking at the lab order saying that this was so many tests and so much blood. We managed to get it done, and I made a follow up appointment with the doctor to hear the results on June 15th. They told me that was the soonest appointment they had. On June 2nd around noon I had a message on my cell from the doctor's office saying the results were in and that they needed to see me as soon as possible.. I called back, and at first all they would tell me was that they wanted to see me tomorrow if possible to discuss the results in person. I told them I had a follow up appointment on the 15th and she put me on hold, talked to the doctor, and said that they canceled someone else's appointment tomorrow to have me come in. That's when I really started panicking. I said they were really freaking me out and asked if something was wrong with me, and she said that everything was fine, but the doctor wanted to talk to me in person right away so we could start a treatment plan right away. That's when I lost it and demanded they tell me what the hell was going on. She hesitated (I don't think they say stuff over the phone) and said that my labs came back positive for severe hypothyroidism. I wasn't even sure at that point what that really was so I was scared.. I called DH right away and he told me a tiny bit about it, what he knew, which was almost nothing, and he thought the receptionist really freaked me out for no reason. Now that I knew something was wrong, the next day couldn't come soon enough.

The appointment went pretty well. I mostly sat and listened in silence and asked a few questions at the end. My actual thyroid gland was so messed up that it registered no hormone production in my blood, and the gland in my brain in charge of stimulating the thyroid was at a number of 123.6. The normal range for that is 5-15.. So mine was extremely extremely high. Apparently it's the answer to why I've been feeling so awful lately. Almost a month ago exactly, I started taking thyroid replacement pills that I will have to take for the rest of my life. I started on a higher than normal dose to start because my levels are so high, and I have another blood test scheduled for July 5th to see how it's helping put me in the right range. It may take a few months to find the right dose of the hormone replacements I need, but once we achieve that balance I should start feeling much better. I asked specifically if it impacted my menstual cycles and fertility, and she said it absolutely did. Everything is thrown out of whack and doesn't work properly.

On a good note, the results for PCOS came back negative! She said the RE absolutely assumed and diagnosed me with the "variant" without doing the further testing he should have.. So when we do get the green light to TTC again, I won't have that complication to deal with. The even more exciting part, is that I can stop taking Metformin! It's been making me so sick because I don't need it! My blood glucose levels came back perfect! I can't believe I've been making myself feel awful all these months by taking these pills. I felt a flash of anger at the previous doctors who misdiagnosed me, but I let it go pretty quick. What is done is done, and I can get mad all I want, it still wouldn't change anything. I do feel very irked that if this had been diagnosed properly to begin with, we might have had success with a pregnancy by now, but I can't dwell on that for my own sanity's sake. Still.. Months and months lost.. 5 rounds of fertility treatments with all it's side effects, the stress, the hope and total devastation. There were many tears shed and many sleepless nights.. It's hard not to be upset, but I have to be positive. I have to.

She also said that since I was so severe, there is literally nothing I could have done to prevent the weight gain I've been dealing with over the last year. That made me feel somewhat better, but not really since I have to deal with the fact that I'm at my absolute heaviest currently and HATE IT. She said I could have literally starved myself to death and still gained weight. So messed up. Once we acheive that balance with the medication, the weight should start coming off. That was a releif to hear. I hope she is right.

After I learned that my thyroid gland was in my throat, something clicked in my head. For the past few years at least, I had been feeling a tightness in my neck that bothered me every few weeks. If I focused on it I could really feel it (like anything) but if I just pushed it out of my mind, it was okay. I'm not sure why it never entered my mind that it was something I should have checked out, it just felt like I had a little something stuck in my throat. It feels a lot like that feeling you get when you are trying to choke back tears. As embarassing as it is to admitt, I honestly thought it was because I was gaining so much weight my neck fat was just putting pressure on my throat. At the end of the appointment, I mentioned it, and she examined the area. She felt a bump there and scheduled an ultrasound to take a closer look.

That appointment was a few days later, and it went alright as well. It was rather uncomfortable, but doable. The tech spent quite a bit of time over the area where I felt something was off, but wouldn't really say anything.. I knew he couldn't, so I tried to be as still and relaxed as possible. He told me he took 65 pictures and that he was going to go talk to the radiologist to make sure that they had what they needed before I could leave. He was gone for about 15 minutes and came back in with a doctor. The doctor asked me several questions, like if I'd been feeling bad recently, what were my symptoms, had I been sick recently, and how long had this thyroid problem been going on. I told him I just found out 4 days ago and this was all new and I didn't really know what was going on. He asked me to lie back down so they could do the test over while he was watching. They took several measurements and listened to how the blood was flowing in my arteries. They had to switch ultrasound wands several times. I'm guessing for different kinds of measurements? At the end I said that since he was a doctor, could he tell me what was going on. He was still pretty vague and said that my doctor would discuss it with me further, but that they found no nodules, it was my actual thyroid gland that was swollen in the middle and on the right side. I asked why that was and he said there could be lots of reasons but that most likely it was because my TSH levels were in the 120s. He said I shouldn't worry and that my doctor will call me with the results and the next steps. A few days later I got the call with the official Hashimoto's Disease diagnosis.

So here we are now. I haven't been feeling too well lately, I don't feel a difference since I started taking the medication.. Well, I guess I take that back a little bit. The cramps have improved. I hardly feel them anymore. But everything else still feels the same. I can't wait to go get my levels measured on tuesday and see what needs to be done with the dosage. I can't wait to start feeling better.

I guess in a way I'm fortunate and should be thankful that this disease is very treatable and that in the long run, it will tie into our plans to have babies. I will have to be more closely monitered during a pregnancy, as there is a high risk of miscarriage if the hormone levels aren't balanced, but it's possible. Meanwhile, it's the waiting game again. Who knew that such a little gland could have such an impact on my health and fertility... Four days after I started the medication, I started spotting and it lasted for 15 days straight.. Needless to say, it's messing with my hormones already. I guess that's a good thing though? I wish I could fast forward time and be better already, but this journey is far from over I guess. I just need to focus on holding my head high and try not to let the finish line out of my sight. I can do this. I might be wobbly, but I'm learning to stand strong again.

It feels good to let this all out. Thank you, whoever you may be, for listening. I just wanted to add that if you try to leave a comment, it won't work.. =( My blog is broken and won't let anyone post comments. If you so desire, you can always reach me privately in a message on facebook.

I will leave here, at the end, a pasted description of Hashimoto's Disease if you would like to know more about it:

Hashimoto’s disease is a common cause of hypothyroidism (underactive thyroid). It is an autoimmune condition. Immune system cells attack the thyroid gland, causing inflammation and, in most cases, eventual destruction of the gland. This reduces the thyroid’s ability to make hormones.

The thyroid gland lies at the front of the throat, below the larynx (Adam’s apple). It is made up of two lobes that sit on either side of the trachea (windpipe). The thyroid gland makes chemicals called hormones that regulate many metabolic processes, including growth and the rate at which your body burns up energy. Hypothyroidism means the thyroid gland is sluggish or underactive.

Causes
Various conditions can cause hypothyroidism. One of the most common causes is Hashimoto’s disease, which is inflammation of the thyroid gland that reduces the secretion of thyroid hormones.

Hashimoto’s disease is considered to be an autoimmune disease. Immune system cells that normally defend the body against foreign invaders (such as disease-causing bacteria and viruses) attack the thyroid gland. About one in every 15 people is diagnosed with Hashimoto’s disease.

The condition is also called Hashimoto’s thyroiditis, chronic lymphocytic thyroiditis or autoimmune thyroiditis.

Symptoms
Hashimoto’s disease progresses very slowly over many years, so the symptoms may go unnoticed. The symptoms and signs vary depending on individual factors including the severity of the condition, but may include:

• Unrelenting fatigue
• Feeling the cold
• Constipation
• Swollen face
• Dry, coarsened skin
• Dry hair that is prone to breakage, hair loss
• Voice changes, such as persistent hoarseness
• Fluid retention (oedema)
• Sudden weight gain that cannot be explained by dietary or lifestyle changes
• High blood cholesterol
• Stiff and tender joints, particularly in the hands, feet and knees
• Cognitive changes, such as depression or forgetfulness
• Enlargement of the thyroid gland (goitre) 

Hashimoto’s disease reduces production of thyroid hormones
The thyroid gland makes two main hormones – thyroxine (T4) and tri-iodothyronine (T3). Two brain structures, the pituitary gland and the hypothalamus, regulate the hormones released by the thyroid gland. The steps in the process are:

• The chain of command begins at the hypothalamus, which prompts the pituitary gland to make a chemical called thyroid-stimulating hormone (TSH).
• The pituitary gland checks the amount of T4 and T3 in the blood and releases TSH if the T4 and T3 levels need to be topped up.
• The thyroid gland secretes T4 and T3 depending on the ‘order’ it receives from the pituitary gland. Generally speaking, the more TSH the thyroid receives, the more T4 and T3 it secretes.
• The pituitary gland may order the thyroid gland to make T4 and T3 but, in the case of Hashimoto’s disease, the thyroid gland can’t deliver.
• The immune system creates antibodies that attack thyroid tissue. The thyroid gland becomes inflamed (thyroiditis) and thyroid cells become permanently damaged, which hampers the thyroid’s ability to make T4 and T3.
• In response, the pituitary gland secretes more thyroid-secreting hormone (TSH).
• The thyroid may enlarge (goitre) as it attempts to obey the pituitary gland.

Common complications
Complications of untreated Hashimoto’s disease may include:

• Goitre – the thyroid gland enlarges. In severe cases, the throat looks as if a tennis ball is lodged under the skin. Occasionally, a large goitre can interfere with breathing or swallowing.
• Emotional problems – low thyroid levels can increase the risk of depression and libido problems, such as reduced sex drive. 

Treatment
With treatment, the outlook for most people with Hashimoto’s disease is excellent. Treatment usually includes medication with the synthetic thyroid hormone (thyroxine). The doctor will recommend regular blood tests to monitor your thyroid hormone levels to ensure they are within the recommended range.

You will need to take the medication for life. Medication does not cure the condition, but helps maintain normal thyroid hormone levels. The symptoms will return if thyroid medication is stopped. Surgery may be required if the enlarged gland causes pressure symptoms.
 

break

I thought posting on my blog daily would help me stay on track with all that's going on, but I honestly feel a little overwhelmed right now. I feel there are other things that I need to focus on currently that have nothing to do with what I'm eating, so I'm taking a break.. A break from what, I haven't truly decided yet, but it's the best I can come up with right now.

Day 13

There is a line I read about this diet that I truly understand and believe after the last few days; because I lived it.

"Eat anything you like. Go ahead and have Pizza, Burgers, Chips, whatever your heart desires. You will come to learn how much you really enjoy these foods... not much at all."

Needless to say, I had a little "break" from Paleo the last few days (and not proud of it, but not giving myself too much hell either) and I TOTALLY feel a difference in how I'm feeling. I kind of had a revelation this morning while driving to town with DH and feeling absolutely wretched. The last 48 hours I had had - (another) cheeseburger basket, a few beans and olives, and a few bites of cold pizza with processed meat, and my stomach felt turned inside out. Sure, it tasted good at the time, but how do you really justify that when the same or next day you feel horrible? I was bloated, and had stomach cramps and just.. not good.. stuff you don't wanna know! When I ate strictly Paleo I had none of that. Weird? No. I'm a believer that this diet makes a difference on what happens on the inside. It truly helps from the inside out.

So here I am, Day 14, and getting inspired to get back on track. I need to go fruit/veggie shopping, that'll help, but I want to feel good!

Today was my worse eating day since I started this diet. I had absolutely nothing to day ALL day until 6 pm. We were on the go ALL day and I was getting super grumpy from not eating. we had some tacos on the way home and I inhaled them.. Not feeling so great right now. Lesson learned. Must keep and apple and nuts in my purse.

Days 11&12

Day 11

Breakfast/Lunch: Apples and orange slices. Really should have had a more substantial lunch, but I just felt uninspired.

 Snack: Popcorn. (A no no because it's a grain, but I figured it couldn't be that bad)

Dinner: That night I went out with some friends to celebrate the end of an era. The photography studio where I worked closed and we went to say goodbye, then went out to eat afterward. Something happened at the pharmacy on the way that triggered a stress eating situation (I don't want to talk about it) for me, but needless to say, I didn't make the rigtht choices. Had another cheeseburger basket with water. No photo, it was dark. I did get a picture of the sparkling apple juice I had for the toast at the studio...

Day 12

Breakfast: No breakfast again. I know that's bad for me and I need to knock it off and at least have a little something. To be worked on.

Lunch: By lunchtime I was starving and could have had anything! But I held off and got a little creative. I hollowed out and slice an acorn squash, drizzled it lightly with evoo, coriander and oregano, and roasted it in the oven for about 45 mins. Here it is before and after.

I then sliced it up, and put it in a salad made with romaine lettuce, carrots, tomatoes, garbanzo beans, black olives, red onion and a lemon juice and evoo dressing. SOOOOO GOOD!

Dinner: I had leftover salad fom lunch around 6pm and rested until Aaron got home, finally! Then when he came home he walked in with cold pizza.. I had a few bites..

Day 10

I am having some major cravings today.. I want some pasta.. BAD. Mac n cheese, plain noodles, anything will do. GAH! I'm trying so hard to stay out of the kitchen so I'm not tempted! We have lots of yummy carbs in the pantry lol..

Breakfast: A hardboiled egg.. Running very low on fruit, I have to replenish soon!

Lunch: My pasta craving was really strong and I almost made macaroni and cheese, but I held off and made this instead. Veggie and Shrimp stir fry. It has brussel sprouts, broccoli, shallots, garlic, bean sprouts, mushrooms, carrots and shrimp. Since I've been using little to no salt for the past 10 days, I could really taste how salty the shrimp were from being in sea water! So interesting!

Snack: Grannysmith apple and toasted nuts.

Dinner: Nothing to be proud of.. Cheeseburger basket. Ah well.

Day 9

Breakfast: Toasted nuts.

Lunch: Fresh Pineapple and pear and a hard boiled egg.

Dinner: I made fajitas for the house for dinner and took some of the mixture (onions, peppers, chicken and steak with seasoning - no salt) and put it on top of a spinach salad with cilantro and green onions and a little bit of oil and vinegar.. Oh and my "cheat" for the evening was a few black olives on top :)

Day 8

Not a super fantastic eating day today, but ah well. Went to my Dr's appointment this morning and it went pretty well. She diagnosed me with Situational Depression and I have to do a full panel of blood work before we figure out the next steps. Afterward I went out to lunch with my grandma, and had a...

Breakfast: Actually skipped breakfast today. No time..


Lunch: Patty melt and fries. No photo. I didn't finish either, but still.. Greasy = No good.

Snack: I took my raw nuts and toasted them in the oven! Really delicious!

Dinner: Chicken breast and vegetable stir fry with no sauce. Seasoned with pepper, oregano and corriander.

Day 7

I'll be the first to admitt that when things get tough emotionally, I turn to food. I'm an emotional eater. If I'm feeling stressed or anxious, or sad, it's nothing a bag of cheetos won't fix. Unfortunately, today was one of those days. For various reasons, I've had a very emotionally trying weekend with lots of emotions and crying, and today I gave in to a craving. I don't feel badly about it, I don't want to put extra guilt and negativity in my world right now if I can avoid it, I'm just being honest about it. Hopefully tomorrow after my doctor's appointment I'll feel better, and I can get back on track.

Breakfast: A fresh pear.

Lunch: My dear sweet DH was trying to make me feel better, and after feeling inspired last night because he watched "Chopped" on the food network, he decided he was going to make me lunch. I usually love everything he makes, but I have to admitt this one was a little off on the tastebuds for me. He sauteed an onion, with shredded brussel sprouts (which I usually love), a cubed chicken breast, mushrooms and cilantro, and dressed it with a dressing made of balsamic vinegar, a strawberry, a shot of coconut rum, and dijon mustard. I think he may have taken the "mystery ingredient basket" idea a little too far, but I really appreciated the effort he put into trying to whip me up something to make me feel better. He put a few pieces of whole grain toast on the side and called his masterpiece a warm chicken salad. I took a few bites, but the mustard, rum, strawberry and vinegar dressing was a little too much for me. I love him very much for trying :)

Snack: A small bag of cheeto puffs and some fresh pinapple.

Dinner: (no photos, my phone was dead) a big bowl of sliced strawberries, sliced oranges, and fresh pineapple chunks along with a leftover beef/turkey charbroiled burger patty from Friday. Just the patty, for protein. Tasty!

Day 6

We slept in this morning and it felt SO good! Subsequently, I didn't eat "breakfast" until almost noon hehe. I just finished it about 30 minutes ago and I'm still hungry, so I think I might follow up with lunch soon. Tonight, I know in advance I'll have another "cheat". DH is making slow cooked beef enchiladas with corn tortillas and lotsa cheese and a salty sauce. But he hardly gets to cook because he works so much, and he loves it.. It would probably break his heart if I told him I couldn't eat it. Plus, who can resist a good plate of Mexican food once in a while? I'll just make a side salad for everyone and have more salad than enchiladas :) I'm not worried about it.

Breakfast: One orange, one papaya, and a hard boiled egg with a glass of water.

Lunch: Spinach salad with a sliced grilled chicken breast on top, and a DRINK! A glass of orange juice with half a shot of passion fruit rum. I needed it.

Dinner: Shredded beef enchiladas (2) and a side spinach salad with carrots and celery, EVOO and balsamic vinegar dressing.

Here we go!

Ready? Set? PALEO!

2 days ago, Monday, I started a new eating regimen. I've decided to call it my new "eating plan" versus my new "diet". I want to stay motivated to keep it fun and light, not a chore.. Make sense? This TTC blog (which it hasn't been for a few months anyway) is going to go on the  back burner for a while and become something that will follow me on a separate journey for a while. Still a part of the same goal, but changing direction for a little while.

Like I've mentioned in many posts before, the main cause of our infertility problems is because of my PCOS and insulin resistance. Which, let's be honest, translates in part to being overweight. I've known this in the back of my mind for a long time, and I knew I had to make a change. What have I been waiting for? I'm not sure. I've started, then stopped. Had success, then failure. Been desperate to make our dreams of starting our family come true, just to get discouraged, disappointed, and fall back into darkness. Not only am I ready to try to commit to this 100%, but I think I am ready to admit that for the last 6 months or so, I have been a little depressed. I have a doctor's appointment on Monday with a new doctor to discuss all these things, and I'm happy about it.

Anyhow! Back to Paleo! I did some research about a diet that a friend I met through TTC told me about. She did it for a while and had really awesome success that brought her the most beautiful gift, her beautiful son Jackson. Paleo, Caveman, PCOS diet, whatever you want to call it, I read up on it and I really liked what I was learning. If you severely break it down, it looks like this:

NOT ALLOWED
Carbs (grains, flours, pasta, potatoes ect...)
Sugars
Dairy
Processed foods

ALLOWED
Lean protein (meats and seafood, eggs)
Vegetables (especially dark green veggies)
Fruits
Raw nuts


Basically, that's what the concept is, and if you're looking at it from the outside, I'm sure it looks really difficult and severe, but so far, I haven't missed anything! I've had temptations, yes, but so far I've been able to resist! And the best part about the plan, is it's not restrictive. The book I'm reading says, hey! If you want carbs, eat carbs. Don't limit yourself (obviously, to a certain extent) so you don't feel cheated. Strive at first for making 5 meals or snacks a week "cheating" if you want them, and gradually, limit that number so that you are eating almost 100% paleo. It's a great book that explains the eating plan in detail and helps with tricks and tips. Additionally, it's a great recipe book! It's filled with lots of easy, accessible recipes that I want to eat! I highly recommend it if you're interested in learning more!

So there it is! I've decided to blog about this to help me stay motivated and excited to post about my ups and downs and my rediscovering how to eat to help fix my problems. I will try to take a picture of what I make to eat each day, and post about it. I'm fortunate enough to be able to cook all my meals at home right now so it's easy to stick to it, as long as I stay on top of the grocery shopping! So here's to a new adventure! Cheers!


DAY 1
Breakfast: Fresh pineapple chunks and strawberries (forgot to take a pic!)

Lunch: Grilled marinated portobello mushroom (marinated in evoo, garlic and oregano) and grilled asparagus.

Snack: Raw nuts

That night, I was very sick and fell asleep and didn't wake up!! So no dinner to show.

DAY 2
Breakfast: Egg white, mushroom and spinach scramble, with pineapple on the side.

Lunch: At lunch, I was still feeling sick, so I just had some raw nuts and a fresh pear.

Dinner: Charbroiled Carne Asada with a side of asparagus and a sauce made from fresh tomatoes and onions.

Snack: Fresh pear



DAY 3
Breakfast: Fresh strawberries.

Lunch: Spinach salad with carrots, tomatoes, red onion, lime and garlic marinated grilled shrimp, and a lemon-lime-evoo dressing.

Snack: Fresh apple

Dinner: Side spinach salad with lemon-lime dressing and a slice of turkey meatloaf.

Days 4 & 5

Days 4 and 5 have been just as easy, if not funner! Exploring new recipes is fun and exciting when you've got the time and patience. I have 75% of both right now. Lucia has been keeping me a little busy with baby clinginess, but that's all part of the fun, right?


DAY 4
Breakfast: Sliced oranges and pear.

Lunch: Roasted beets, carrots, and red onion with a grilled boneless skinless chicken breast.

Snack: Grannysmith apple.

Dinner: Vegetable (Caluliflower, broccoli, carrot, onion, tomatoe, mushroom) coconut curry sprinkled with fresh parsley and cilantro and lime juice.

Snack: Fresh Pear.

DAY 5
Breakfast: Grilled asparagus, one hard boiled egg, and grilled flat iron steak.

Lunch: Vegetable coconut curry revisited :)

Snack: Fresh strawberries:

Dinner: My first "cheat" of the week. Charbroiled turkey/beef burger with a drizzle of ketchup, pickles, lettuce and tomatoes on a white sesame bun. I needed it, too. Watching my Hawks lose in the finals definitely required a few grams of carbs :(  Picture was taken hastily as well, as the game was on. hehe. I had this with a fresh apple.

And once again..

I am foiled by the evil force that is my period. It started, on CD39, with a vengence. Ah well. As long as it's here on it's own again, I guess I don't care. I found out what all the weird spotting does... It equals having your light days so when CD1 is really here, it kicks your ass! But like I said, ah well. At least now this new cycle can start, and I'm going to keep really good track with OPKs this month, just to see if I'm ovulating, for my own curiosity's sake. I kinda doubt it, but crazier things have happened. So we shall see!

I guess it was nice while it lasted

Well, today is CD38, and no sign of AF. It's been an interesting last 2 weeks or so. On CD26, I had a little bit of spotting, so I was super excited, thinking I was right on track to start on CD28 again, but nothing. On CD29 I had some more spotting but it was very odd. One swipe of bright red, then a dark rusty brown, then nothing again. I took 2 HPTs in between CD26 and CD34. Both negative. Then another light tinge of light pink on CD35, and here we are now on CD38. It's frustrating, because I don't know what the spotting means. Maybe it's my body's weak attempt at having a period, but it never really happened? Who knows. The only thing I'm sure of is that CD42 is creeping up and that is the last day I can try to patiently wait for AF to show before I have to start taking provera. I'll take one more HPT before I start taking it, just in case, but I sure as hell am not holding my breath. I'm not feeling anything remotely indicative of pregnancy, but you just never know I guess. I just want to be sure. Just another frustrating bump in the road, but what else is new. Just part of the game.

Cross that...

I got a hold of my doctor today. I guess maybe her office forgot to pay their phone bill, or the phone lines were down for some reason? But either way. I did talk to her today. I told her about my two 28 day cycles, and she seemed happy about it, in her own unenthusiastic way. What was the hardest though is when I first called (it had been about 3 months since I last had) and the receptionist recognized my name (Peachey? NO!) she basically started squealing and asked if I was calling to say I was pregnant. Thanks, but no. I am not.

The main reason for my call was to ask about the Metformin dose, and unfortunately, or fortunately, whichever way you look at it, she wants me to keep going up until I get to 2000mgs per day. She said that it will help me lose weight a lot faster if I stay on track and that lowering my carb/sugar intake will help control how I'm feeling physically. Yea yea yea, I knew that. That's why I stopped taking it in the first place lol. I guess I just need to get back on track and stick to it.

Seems like that's all I'm saying on this blog lately. Get back on track, stay on track. You wouldn't think it would be hard to stay motivated when the end product will be the start to our family.. but darkness can easily swallow you up, let me tell you. At first you don't realize it, and next thing you know, you're way off course and it's just easier to keep going that way. Nothing "right" is easy, is it. Not that I didn't realize that before, but I really do now. Ah well. I'm tired of saying, here's to a new beginning. So eff that. Here's to a continuance. Here's to another shot at making the effort to do this.

Well ...

What do you know, I've had another natural 28 day cycle. sheesh. And to top it off, I think I might be ovulating! I have no way of knowing for sure, as I don't have any OPKs on hand, but I have a slight feeling telling me it might be happening. I had some EWCM the other day right at CD14 (aka, the ultimate "normal girl" O day) and I've been on a roller coaster of emotions and mood swings today hahaha. Good times. Could just be in my head, but I guess I'll see!

I got REALLY sick this last weekend when I upped my dose of Metformin to 1000mgs and ate poorly. Yuck. So Monday I decided to call my Dr and talk about the dosage since we technically aren't currently TTC. I have her number saved in my phone and did everything as usual, and the number to her office is disconnected!! WTF. I tried getting in contact with her another way, since she worked out of that particular clinic too, but I'll be pretty upset if the Dr I've been working with for nearly a year and whom I've made so much progress with, just fell off the face of the earth without letting her patients know! Not to mention if that clinic went out of business for some unkown reason, who the hell has my medical records, if God forbid, I have to start over with a new OBGYN? I guess maybe the RE's office may have them, but I've only been there once. Ugh, kind of annoyed here.

But anyway! It's interesting to see what my body is doing on it's own!

Stealing this!

But I'm cheating and I'm doing it all in one day, instead of 30 ;)

1) A picture of yourself with 10 facts.

1- I'm really scared of turning 27 in 3 days..
2- I LOVE HOCKEY.
3- I'm Canadian.
4- I have a blanket that I can't sleep without.
5- I've been married for 573 days, 23 hours, 6 minutes, and 31 seconds.
6- I love my 3 best friends; Anna, Jen, and Jawnell.
7- I now live with 4 dogs.
8- I miss the sunshine.
9- I miss my family.
10- I have a plant named Frank.


2) A picture of you and the person you have been close with for a while.



3) A picture of the cast from your favorite show.



4) A picture of a habit you wish you didn't have.



5) A picture of your favorite memory.




6) A picture of a person you'd love to trade places with for a day.




7) A picture of your most treasured item.




8) A picture that makes you laugh.




9) A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most.




10) A picture of the person you do the most messed up things with. (do we? lol)




11) A picture of something you hate.




12) A picture of something you love.




13) A picture of your favorite band.




14) A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without.





15) A picture of something you want to do before you die. (Montreal Canadiens Game)




16) A picture of someone who inspires you.




17) A picture of someone who has made a huge impact on your life recently.





18) A picture of your biggest insecurity.



19) A picture of you when you were little.




20) A picture of somewhere you'd like to travel. (Fiji)




21) A picture of something you wish you could forget.




22) A picture of something you wish you were better at.




23) A picture of your favorite book. (Too many!!)




24) A picture of something you wish you could change. (Having people I love live in 2 different countries.)





25) A picture of your day.




26) A picture of something that means a lot to you.




27) A picture of yourself and a family member.




28) A picture of something you're afraid of. (Just looking at this makes me want to cry.)




29) A picture that can always make you smile.


30) A picture of someone you miss.