Stealing this!

But I'm cheating and I'm doing it all in one day, instead of 30 ;)

1) A picture of yourself with 10 facts.

1- I'm really scared of turning 27 in 3 days..
2- I LOVE HOCKEY.
3- I'm Canadian.
4- I have a blanket that I can't sleep without.
5- I've been married for 573 days, 23 hours, 6 minutes, and 31 seconds.
6- I love my 3 best friends; Anna, Jen, and Jawnell.
7- I now live with 4 dogs.
8- I miss the sunshine.
9- I miss my family.
10- I have a plant named Frank.


2) A picture of you and the person you have been close with for a while.



3) A picture of the cast from your favorite show.



4) A picture of a habit you wish you didn't have.



5) A picture of your favorite memory.




6) A picture of a person you'd love to trade places with for a day.




7) A picture of your most treasured item.




8) A picture that makes you laugh.




9) A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most.




10) A picture of the person you do the most messed up things with. (do we? lol)




11) A picture of something you hate.




12) A picture of something you love.




13) A picture of your favorite band.




14) A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without.





15) A picture of something you want to do before you die. (Montreal Canadiens Game)




16) A picture of someone who inspires you.




17) A picture of someone who has made a huge impact on your life recently.





18) A picture of your biggest insecurity.



19) A picture of you when you were little.




20) A picture of somewhere you'd like to travel. (Fiji)




21) A picture of something you wish you could forget.




22) A picture of something you wish you were better at.




23) A picture of your favorite book. (Too many!!)




24) A picture of something you wish you could change. (Having people I love live in 2 different countries.)





25) A picture of your day.




26) A picture of something that means a lot to you.




27) A picture of yourself and a family member.




28) A picture of something you're afraid of. (Just looking at this makes me want to cry.)




29) A picture that can always make you smile.


30) A picture of someone you miss.

So now I'm "normal"?

What they heck body, WHAT GIVES!!!

Yesterday, I just ended my period that again, started on it's own, and that was a very normal 29 day cycle! Yay! I just don't understand it. When I was doing everything right, taking all the medication and vitamins and fertility drugs, nothing was happening. And now... now that I've been so pissed off at life and stopped giving a crap for 2 months about taking medication that was helping me or eating better, NOW I have a normal cycle.

Figures.

Ah well. I guess maybe it's just nature's way of guiding me back on track. I didn't mean to give up on myself like that these last few months, but I guess if I take a second and look, it's what I did. I need to get back to the way things were headed.

A lot is changing in life right now, so why not do everything all at once, right?

Wrong Again

AF is here. I am both extremely happy and incredibly aggravated by her arrival. My friend Anna and I decided this weekend that my uterus is a bitch. A realllllly big BITCH! It seems that every time I've come to "terms" with what is happening, at the very latest possible minute, the exact opposite happens and sends me reeling. But I've decided to let go of the negative and take this as a fabulous, positive thing!

This is the first time I've started a period on my own since I came off birth control pills in December of 2009. It's the first time in 14 MONTHS! The first time since we've been TTC. It was a long cycle, 42 days, but at least it was a NATURAL CYCLE!

I called my doctor, all ecstatic, and she burst my bubble a little. She said that the reason I likely had a period now is because we've forcibly cycled my body since May of 2010 and it was just residual hormones following their course. That likely, I did not ovulate, and that next month I probably won't have a period at all. She told me to go pick up my Provera and hold on to it, because I will probably need it.


I'm glad she was so honest, but what a buzz killer! But I've decided that I'm going to take this as a very positive thing and be happy about it! :)

Back at square one.

That's all I can think about. I've done a giant circle, with no success, and now I'm back at square one. There's a lot on my mind and in my heart, but I can't seem to make it surface. It wants to stay buried for a while. All I know is that tomorrow is cycle day 41 and I will be picking up my rx for Provera. Enough said.

The Dietitian

It went well. She gave me a TON of info on how eating affects PCOS and what and what not to eat to better my chances at success. She drew a diagram and explained in detail what happens when I eat and how insulin resistance is caused. I have grocery lists, meal plans, tricks and tips, now I just have to commit 200% to this and make it happen for myself. I have all the tools. I'm accountable for my success or failure. I have to read through all the material still (it's quite a bit) but I feel a lot more informed and prepared to make the right choices because I know exactly why it will help or harm me.

To be quite honest, so far 2011 has been a bitch. I'm hoping to make this my saving grace (<3) and my something to focus on for positivity in my life. Hope I can stay on track.

Aunt Flo had other plans...

She visited after Christmas, on the 27th. Exactly 10 days after she was due. The day AFTER I tested. Nice, isn't it? I was more angered than anything once she made her arrival. I was of course expecting it, since the pregnancy test was negative, but it just realllllly pissed me off that it had to happen like that. Oh well. This is not the time to dwell. The new year is here and it's time to make big changes so that 2011 can be OUR YEAR!

I have an appointment with a dietitian on Thursday the 8th. The plan is that she will show me how to eat the things that will maximize the way the Metformin is working. She has extensive experience working with women who have PCOS and will teach me how nutrition can and will make a big difference and getting my insulin resistance under control quickly. I'm looking forward to it! I think it will feel like this is step one of the new plan. Of course, knowing I won't be able to do it anymore, I pigged out a little bit this weekend, tee hee. I got all my bad for me cravings out of the way and I'm ready to do this!

Blank.

Well... It was negative. Of course it was negative. What was I thinking getting my hopes up a tiny bit. At least I didn't have time
To think about it at all over the weekend, what a whirlwind Christmas we had! But still no period. I've had tender sore nipples for about a week now but still nothing. On Wednesday I have to call my doctor for provera if I've still had no progress. I feel like that's really taking a step back, but what are you gonna do. Sigh. Just part of the game.

6 days late.

Today, my period is 6 days late.

Honestly? I feel.... I don't know how I feel. I think mostly angry that my body is doing this. (of course if I am miraculously pregnant, I won't be angry) I feel like just when I'm starting to feel okay about moving on with our 6 month break, my body slaps me in the face and says, "Haha! I'm gonna mess with your head just one last time!!" These last 2 cycles on clomid have been absolutely fantastic in the fact that my body was acting normal and being so regular. Like clockwork, on cd 21 I'd get the positive opk and at 12 dpo my period would start. It was great! I was finally being "regular" for once. And now this. I didn't do anything differently this cycle. I took clomid 150 mgs on cds 3-7. Although I didn't keep track with opks (for which I am now kicking myself, but I thought it would make things easier emotionally since we had decided to stop trying) I thought I felt ovulation happen on cd 19 (earlier than normal too. I even had a little ewcm) and I was expecting my period by December 17th at the latest. They took a pregnancy test at the doctor's office 8 days ago and it was negative, so I went on with my life. Now I'm doubting everything again.

Of course, the logical thing to do would be to test again, right? And I will tomorrow morning if AF doesn't show today, but I don't even want to. I don't "feel" pregnant. I don't feel anything. And if I test and see that empty space where the line for a positive should be, I don't want it to upset me. I feel like I've made strides in the right direction as far as accepting the things I cannot change and moving on. I just feel like saying, "why now?" couldn't I have just started my period like normal and not even have to be having these thoughts? I'm frustrated.

I have a lot of stress this month. A LOT. It could be as simple as that, the reason why I'm late. Or it could be that clomid didn't work for me this cycle and there was no ovulation. Or I guess it could be a miracle, considering we didn't BD at the right times, and I am pregnant. But I'm not holding my breath. Regardless, I have to test before I call the GYN for provera. So I guess one more round of torture is right up ahead. Sigh.

Update

I had my appointment today with my gynecologist for my annual, and to discuss our decision to take a 6 month break from TTC. I love my GYN. She's such a wonderful person and made me feel a lot better. She always spends at least an hour with me and we talk things through. I even let all my pent up emotions go and cried in there for a while. I felt like a heel, but it needed to come out, and she's the one it came out at. lol..

She said the RE that we saw is very good at what he does, but he's very rough around the edges. She described him as NOT "warm and fuzzy". I couldn't agree more. She said he's very matter of fact and some things that he said could have been taken the wrong way, meaning sounding worse than they actually are. I felt a little better after hearing her say that. I asked her if I were to get pregnant right now at my current weight and blood sugar levels, would it be a dangerous pregnancy, and her answer was no. I felt a ton better. Regardless, we are still taking a break to focus on weight loss, because after all, it is necessary and could only help. She is on board with the plan and the up dosage of Metformin (barf). I have no idea if I actually ovulated on clomid last cycle or not, (I'm guessing so) if I did, my period is expected in 2 days. They did an pregnancy test, which was of course a BFN, considering we didn't BD at the right times. So the plan is, if I don't get my period by Dec. 29th, I need to call her for Provera. We need to make sure I still have a bleed at least once every 6 wks. She also said together with the Metformin, the weight loss might actually help me start cycling on my own again and we might even get knocked up during our 6 month wait. :)

She professionally declined giving me birth control during our wait. We talked about it, and she thinks it would do more harm than good at this point. So, I'm kinda happy about that. I wasn't looking forward to start taking it again anyway.

After talking, we did my annual, and come to find out, I have a damn yeast infection!! I thought something wasn't feeling right down there the last few days, but I've never had one before and I had no idea what it felt like. I guess I'm lucky I had an appointment at the right time so she could prescribe a pill to make it go away! Sure am looking forward to that. Yucky itchyness.

At the end, she told me that even though it's difficult that we're taking a break, I need to look at it as PART of the journey, not stopping the journey to pick it up again later. It's all part of the process that will get us a little baby someday. :)

Coming to terms...

I've been kinda avoiding my blog since we made the decision to take a break. I haven't even really posted on here that we have. Basically, the visit to the RE was less than ideal, for me. I was left feeling confused and still determined, but my husband had to reign me in and make me see clearly. The Dr (whom I wasn't too crazy about) diagnosed me with a variant of PCOS. Basically what that means for me, is that I'm badly insulin resistant and have a tendency to have high blood sugar and to put on unnecessary weight. My body does not process sugars and fats the way it should, and not knowing I had it and leaving it untreated with my current diet has put me in a bad bad place weight wise. I'm the heaviest I've ever been, and I don't like it at all. Unfortunately, that means that if I were to become pregnant right now, there would be a lot of risks involved. High blood sugar during pregnancy causes you to develop gestational diabetes and also it can cause birth defects. My weight would affect my blood pressure, since my heart would be pumping double the blood for the baby, and that is extremely dangerous. The reason I'm not ovulating is due to the fact that the PCOS is screwing with my hormones and sending the wrong signals to the ovaries. I guess essentially, my body is trying to save itself by not letting me become pregnant.. Once I realized that, it was kind of hard to swallow, but true.

The doctor layed out a plan that would override my body with drugs and have me pregnant by April he said, but without saying the words, he advised against it. When I heard that, I was ecstatic. All I heard was "Pregnant by April". My husband on the other hand, had his head on right, and heard all the bad things that would likely happen. We had a talk on the way home and he made me realize that Yes, we want a baby. But we want a healthy baby, and a healthy pregnancy. Why put myself and our child through the risks of serious consequences if we can avoid it? He is so right. I don't want to be bed ridden and sick and have to inject myself with insulin everyday just to keep myself alive while I'm pregnant. That's not what I picture in my head. I want to be a beautiful, glowing pregnant lady that has a ton of energy to keep going until I deliver. That dream was pretty much shattered at the doctor's office.

So here's the new plan. I am on some serious medication (twice the dose I was on before) to help regain control of my insulin resistance and on a diet and exercise plan to help me lose about 40 lbs before we start trying again. That should help lower the risks significantly and help me have that healthy pregnancy we both want. I'm going to my GYN on December 15th to pick up birth control pills and to have my annual exam to make sure everything up there looks good after all these rounds of fertility treatments. 6 month break, minimum, then we'll re evaluate.

At first, I had a very hard time letting go. We've been at this for almost a full year, and I felt like I was giving up. But after thinking about it and realizing all the things I needed to accept, I feel better about it already. It's still hard sometimes, of course, when I think about it and wanting something so strongly that I can't have right now. But it's for the best.

Anyway.. I'm rambling. I imagine I won't have too many posts these next 6 months, but I'll check in from time to time.