Thursday, December 2, 2010

Coming to terms...

I've been kinda avoiding my blog since we made the decision to take a break. I haven't even really posted on here that we have. Basically, the visit to the RE was less than ideal, for me. I was left feeling confused and still determined, but my husband had to reign me in and make me see clearly. The Dr (whom I wasn't too crazy about) diagnosed me with a variant of PCOS. Basically what that means for me, is that I'm badly insulin resistant and have a tendency to have high blood sugar and to put on unnecessary weight. My body does not process sugars and fats the way it should, and not knowing I had it and leaving it untreated with my current diet has put me in a bad bad place weight wise. I'm the heaviest I've ever been, and I don't like it at all. Unfortunately, that means that if I were to become pregnant right now, there would be a lot of risks involved. High blood sugar during pregnancy causes you to develop gestational diabetes and also it can cause birth defects. My weight would affect my blood pressure, since my heart would be pumping double the blood for the baby, and that is extremely dangerous. The reason I'm not ovulating is due to the fact that the PCOS is screwing with my hormones and sending the wrong signals to the ovaries. I guess essentially, my body is trying to save itself by not letting me become pregnant.. Once I realized that, it was kind of hard to swallow, but true.

The doctor layed out a plan that would override my body with drugs and have me pregnant by April he said, but without saying the words, he advised against it. When I heard that, I was ecstatic. All I heard was "Pregnant by April". My husband on the other hand, had his head on right, and heard all the bad things that would likely happen. We had a talk on the way home and he made me realize that Yes, we want a baby. But we want a healthy baby, and a healthy pregnancy. Why put myself and our child through the risks of serious consequences if we can avoid it? He is so right. I don't want to be bed ridden and sick and have to inject myself with insulin everyday just to keep myself alive while I'm pregnant. That's not what I picture in my head. I want to be a beautiful, glowing pregnant lady that has a ton of energy to keep going until I deliver. That dream was pretty much shattered at the doctor's office.

So here's the new plan. I am on some serious medication (twice the dose I was on before) to help regain control of my insulin resistance and on a diet and exercise plan to help me lose about 40 lbs before we start trying again. That should help lower the risks significantly and help me have that healthy pregnancy we both want. I'm going to my GYN on December 15th to pick up birth control pills and to have my annual exam to make sure everything up there looks good after all these rounds of fertility treatments. 6 month break, minimum, then we'll re evaluate.

At first, I had a very hard time letting go. We've been at this for almost a full year, and I felt like I was giving up. But after thinking about it and realizing all the things I needed to accept, I feel better about it already. It's still hard sometimes, of course, when I think about it and wanting something so strongly that I can't have right now. But it's for the best.

Anyway.. I'm rambling. I imagine I won't have too many posts these next 6 months, but I'll check in from time to time.