Thursday, December 23, 2010

6 days late.

Today, my period is 6 days late.

Honestly? I feel.... I don't know how I feel. I think mostly angry that my body is doing this. (of course if I am miraculously pregnant, I won't be angry) I feel like just when I'm starting to feel okay about moving on with our 6 month break, my body slaps me in the face and says, "Haha! I'm gonna mess with your head just one last time!!" These last 2 cycles on clomid have been absolutely fantastic in the fact that my body was acting normal and being so regular. Like clockwork, on cd 21 I'd get the positive opk and at 12 dpo my period would start. It was great! I was finally being "regular" for once. And now this. I didn't do anything differently this cycle. I took clomid 150 mgs on cds 3-7. Although I didn't keep track with opks (for which I am now kicking myself, but I thought it would make things easier emotionally since we had decided to stop trying) I thought I felt ovulation happen on cd 19 (earlier than normal too. I even had a little ewcm) and I was expecting my period by December 17th at the latest. They took a pregnancy test at the doctor's office 8 days ago and it was negative, so I went on with my life. Now I'm doubting everything again.

Of course, the logical thing to do would be to test again, right? And I will tomorrow morning if AF doesn't show today, but I don't even want to. I don't "feel" pregnant. I don't feel anything. And if I test and see that empty space where the line for a positive should be, I don't want it to upset me. I feel like I've made strides in the right direction as far as accepting the things I cannot change and moving on. I just feel like saying, "why now?" couldn't I have just started my period like normal and not even have to be having these thoughts? I'm frustrated.

I have a lot of stress this month. A LOT. It could be as simple as that, the reason why I'm late. Or it could be that clomid didn't work for me this cycle and there was no ovulation. Or I guess it could be a miracle, considering we didn't BD at the right times, and I am pregnant. But I'm not holding my breath. Regardless, I have to test before I call the GYN for provera. So I guess one more round of torture is right up ahead. Sigh.