Cross that...

I got a hold of my doctor today. I guess maybe her office forgot to pay their phone bill, or the phone lines were down for some reason? But either way. I did talk to her today. I told her about my two 28 day cycles, and she seemed happy about it, in her own unenthusiastic way. What was the hardest though is when I first called (it had been about 3 months since I last had) and the receptionist recognized my name (Peachey? NO!) she basically started squealing and asked if I was calling to say I was pregnant. Thanks, but no. I am not.

The main reason for my call was to ask about the Metformin dose, and unfortunately, or fortunately, whichever way you look at it, she wants me to keep going up until I get to 2000mgs per day. She said that it will help me lose weight a lot faster if I stay on track and that lowering my carb/sugar intake will help control how I'm feeling physically. Yea yea yea, I knew that. That's why I stopped taking it in the first place lol. I guess I just need to get back on track and stick to it.

Seems like that's all I'm saying on this blog lately. Get back on track, stay on track. You wouldn't think it would be hard to stay motivated when the end product will be the start to our family.. but darkness can easily swallow you up, let me tell you. At first you don't realize it, and next thing you know, you're way off course and it's just easier to keep going that way. Nothing "right" is easy, is it. Not that I didn't realize that before, but I really do now. Ah well. I'm tired of saying, here's to a new beginning. So eff that. Here's to a continuance. Here's to another shot at making the effort to do this.

Well ...

What do you know, I've had another natural 28 day cycle. sheesh. And to top it off, I think I might be ovulating! I have no way of knowing for sure, as I don't have any OPKs on hand, but I have a slight feeling telling me it might be happening. I had some EWCM the other day right at CD14 (aka, the ultimate "normal girl" O day) and I've been on a roller coaster of emotions and mood swings today hahaha. Good times. Could just be in my head, but I guess I'll see!

I got REALLY sick this last weekend when I upped my dose of Metformin to 1000mgs and ate poorly. Yuck. So Monday I decided to call my Dr and talk about the dosage since we technically aren't currently TTC. I have her number saved in my phone and did everything as usual, and the number to her office is disconnected!! WTF. I tried getting in contact with her another way, since she worked out of that particular clinic too, but I'll be pretty upset if the Dr I've been working with for nearly a year and whom I've made so much progress with, just fell off the face of the earth without letting her patients know! Not to mention if that clinic went out of business for some unkown reason, who the hell has my medical records, if God forbid, I have to start over with a new OBGYN? I guess maybe the RE's office may have them, but I've only been there once. Ugh, kind of annoyed here.

But anyway! It's interesting to see what my body is doing on it's own!

Stealing this!

But I'm cheating and I'm doing it all in one day, instead of 30 ;)

1) A picture of yourself with 10 facts.

1- I'm really scared of turning 27 in 3 days..
2- I LOVE HOCKEY.
3- I'm Canadian.
4- I have a blanket that I can't sleep without.
5- I've been married for 573 days, 23 hours, 6 minutes, and 31 seconds.
6- I love my 3 best friends; Anna, Jen, and Jawnell.
7- I now live with 4 dogs.
8- I miss the sunshine.
9- I miss my family.
10- I have a plant named Frank.


2) A picture of you and the person you have been close with for a while.



3) A picture of the cast from your favorite show.



4) A picture of a habit you wish you didn't have.



5) A picture of your favorite memory.




6) A picture of a person you'd love to trade places with for a day.




7) A picture of your most treasured item.




8) A picture that makes you laugh.




9) A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most.




10) A picture of the person you do the most messed up things with. (do we? lol)




11) A picture of something you hate.




12) A picture of something you love.




13) A picture of your favorite band.




14) A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without.





15) A picture of something you want to do before you die. (Montreal Canadiens Game)




16) A picture of someone who inspires you.




17) A picture of someone who has made a huge impact on your life recently.





18) A picture of your biggest insecurity.



19) A picture of you when you were little.




20) A picture of somewhere you'd like to travel. (Fiji)




21) A picture of something you wish you could forget.




22) A picture of something you wish you were better at.




23) A picture of your favorite book. (Too many!!)




24) A picture of something you wish you could change. (Having people I love live in 2 different countries.)





25) A picture of your day.




26) A picture of something that means a lot to you.




27) A picture of yourself and a family member.




28) A picture of something you're afraid of. (Just looking at this makes me want to cry.)




29) A picture that can always make you smile.


30) A picture of someone you miss.

So now I'm "normal"?

What they heck body, WHAT GIVES!!!

Yesterday, I just ended my period that again, started on it's own, and that was a very normal 29 day cycle! Yay! I just don't understand it. When I was doing everything right, taking all the medication and vitamins and fertility drugs, nothing was happening. And now... now that I've been so pissed off at life and stopped giving a crap for 2 months about taking medication that was helping me or eating better, NOW I have a normal cycle.

Figures.

Ah well. I guess maybe it's just nature's way of guiding me back on track. I didn't mean to give up on myself like that these last few months, but I guess if I take a second and look, it's what I did. I need to get back to the way things were headed.

A lot is changing in life right now, so why not do everything all at once, right?

Wrong Again

AF is here. I am both extremely happy and incredibly aggravated by her arrival. My friend Anna and I decided this weekend that my uterus is a bitch. A realllllly big BITCH! It seems that every time I've come to "terms" with what is happening, at the very latest possible minute, the exact opposite happens and sends me reeling. But I've decided to let go of the negative and take this as a fabulous, positive thing!

This is the first time I've started a period on my own since I came off birth control pills in December of 2009. It's the first time in 14 MONTHS! The first time since we've been TTC. It was a long cycle, 42 days, but at least it was a NATURAL CYCLE!

I called my doctor, all ecstatic, and she burst my bubble a little. She said that the reason I likely had a period now is because we've forcibly cycled my body since May of 2010 and it was just residual hormones following their course. That likely, I did not ovulate, and that next month I probably won't have a period at all. She told me to go pick up my Provera and hold on to it, because I will probably need it.


I'm glad she was so honest, but what a buzz killer! But I've decided that I'm going to take this as a very positive thing and be happy about it! :)

Back at square one.

That's all I can think about. I've done a giant circle, with no success, and now I'm back at square one. There's a lot on my mind and in my heart, but I can't seem to make it surface. It wants to stay buried for a while. All I know is that tomorrow is cycle day 41 and I will be picking up my rx for Provera. Enough said.

The Dietitian

It went well. She gave me a TON of info on how eating affects PCOS and what and what not to eat to better my chances at success. She drew a diagram and explained in detail what happens when I eat and how insulin resistance is caused. I have grocery lists, meal plans, tricks and tips, now I just have to commit 200% to this and make it happen for myself. I have all the tools. I'm accountable for my success or failure. I have to read through all the material still (it's quite a bit) but I feel a lot more informed and prepared to make the right choices because I know exactly why it will help or harm me.

To be quite honest, so far 2011 has been a bitch. I'm hoping to make this my saving grace (<3) and my something to focus on for positivity in my life. Hope I can stay on track.

Aunt Flo had other plans...

She visited after Christmas, on the 27th. Exactly 10 days after she was due. The day AFTER I tested. Nice, isn't it? I was more angered than anything once she made her arrival. I was of course expecting it, since the pregnancy test was negative, but it just realllllly pissed me off that it had to happen like that. Oh well. This is not the time to dwell. The new year is here and it's time to make big changes so that 2011 can be OUR YEAR!

I have an appointment with a dietitian on Thursday the 8th. The plan is that she will show me how to eat the things that will maximize the way the Metformin is working. She has extensive experience working with women who have PCOS and will teach me how nutrition can and will make a big difference and getting my insulin resistance under control quickly. I'm looking forward to it! I think it will feel like this is step one of the new plan. Of course, knowing I won't be able to do it anymore, I pigged out a little bit this weekend, tee hee. I got all my bad for me cravings out of the way and I'm ready to do this!

Blank.

Well... It was negative. Of course it was negative. What was I thinking getting my hopes up a tiny bit. At least I didn't have time
To think about it at all over the weekend, what a whirlwind Christmas we had! But still no period. I've had tender sore nipples for about a week now but still nothing. On Wednesday I have to call my doctor for provera if I've still had no progress. I feel like that's really taking a step back, but what are you gonna do. Sigh. Just part of the game.

6 days late.

Today, my period is 6 days late.

Honestly? I feel.... I don't know how I feel. I think mostly angry that my body is doing this. (of course if I am miraculously pregnant, I won't be angry) I feel like just when I'm starting to feel okay about moving on with our 6 month break, my body slaps me in the face and says, "Haha! I'm gonna mess with your head just one last time!!" These last 2 cycles on clomid have been absolutely fantastic in the fact that my body was acting normal and being so regular. Like clockwork, on cd 21 I'd get the positive opk and at 12 dpo my period would start. It was great! I was finally being "regular" for once. And now this. I didn't do anything differently this cycle. I took clomid 150 mgs on cds 3-7. Although I didn't keep track with opks (for which I am now kicking myself, but I thought it would make things easier emotionally since we had decided to stop trying) I thought I felt ovulation happen on cd 19 (earlier than normal too. I even had a little ewcm) and I was expecting my period by December 17th at the latest. They took a pregnancy test at the doctor's office 8 days ago and it was negative, so I went on with my life. Now I'm doubting everything again.

Of course, the logical thing to do would be to test again, right? And I will tomorrow morning if AF doesn't show today, but I don't even want to. I don't "feel" pregnant. I don't feel anything. And if I test and see that empty space where the line for a positive should be, I don't want it to upset me. I feel like I've made strides in the right direction as far as accepting the things I cannot change and moving on. I just feel like saying, "why now?" couldn't I have just started my period like normal and not even have to be having these thoughts? I'm frustrated.

I have a lot of stress this month. A LOT. It could be as simple as that, the reason why I'm late. Or it could be that clomid didn't work for me this cycle and there was no ovulation. Or I guess it could be a miracle, considering we didn't BD at the right times, and I am pregnant. But I'm not holding my breath. Regardless, I have to test before I call the GYN for provera. So I guess one more round of torture is right up ahead. Sigh.