On this thanksgiving, I need this.

Grant me the Serenity to accept things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
and the Wisdom to know the difference.
Patience for the things that take time,
Appreciation for all that I have,
and Strength to get up and try again even when I feel it is hopeless.

ON HIATUS.

Be back in 6 months....

A borrowed story that hits close to home.

If you are a woman who has spent your life imagining what it would be like to have a child, then you know how exciting it is when you finally decide that you are ready to make that leap. You are finally prepared to put yourself second. You are willing to make a child the number one priority in life. You are ready to get pregnant!

If you are a woman who has tried and tried and who has been unable to conceive, then you also know the veritable barrage of emotions that you encounter — grief, embarrassment, uselessness.

As a 29 year-old woman I have been married for four years and have been with the same man since I was 19. I can hardly remember a time when I didn’t want to have children with him. I cannot remember a time at all, for that matter, when I didn’t daydream about being a mother one day.
Every woman in my family is like a fertility machine. They get pregnant the first time they try. They get pregnant every time they try. Imagine my surprise when after a year of trying I still wasn’t pregnant.

You might not think about it often, but it’s a relative shot in the dark. It is amazing how many people get pregnant unexpectedly, actually. It has to happen one of three or four specific days which are often hard to pinpoint for many women.

Frustration sets in. Why me? Why can so many people get pregnant the one time they have unprotected sex while I’m doing everything ever suggested by doctors, old wives tales, myths, and a woman down the street has eight kids?

When you spend a year trying to conceive and are unable, it is often considered an early sign of infertility. I hate that word I like to say I’m ‘baby challenged’. You (and your partner) are then subjected to every test under the sun, most of which involve full or partial nudity in front of one or more people, often with legs spread in a very compromising position. But, hey, you’ll do anything to find out a reason why?

For many, these tests reveal very little. In my case perfectly healthy, both of us. These things all result in orders to eat better, weight loss/gain, and are more likely than not accompanied by some sort of medication that will throw your body into complete turmoil . Exhausted but able/not able to sleep. Oh, and did I mention the hot flashes and headaches?

Another year goes by. I start to feel guilty. The doctors are currently unable to find a problem. I believe it is likely something in my body causing the ‘baby challenge’ that doctors haven’t identified yet. As a woman, a woman wanting a child so badly and not particually career driven. if I am not able to conceive, what is my purpose? I can say with absolute certainty that my husband does not hold even an ounce of contempt or blame for me. That does not hold off the guilt and feelings of uselessness. They rear their ugly heads on a daily basis.

With the guilt comes the worst feeling of all. When you want so desperately to have a child and cannot, you begin to begrudge the people around you the same happiness you want for yourself.

My cousin(s) or friend(s) become pregnant. I am simultaneously happy for her and extremely bitter. Her baby shower is torture because not only do I feel angry that things are so good for her, I feel like a heinous person for even having these thoughts in the first place. I am angry at everyone, including myself.

The kicker of all of this? “Stress”, they say, makes it harder to conceive. Right. No problem. “Stop trying and it will happen”, they say. Why didn’t I think of that before? I’ll get right on that!

So here we are, almost four years into the process (because that’s exactly what it’s become – a process) with no results. I am on the cusp of having my second IUI procedure (I get three tries free on the NHS). IVF would be wonderful… we can save up the £3-6,000+ that it would take, and possibly more after that........no problem. Then comes re-mortgaging...

It would be nice for this to have a happy ending like me writing in all bold letters “I’m pregnant!” I’m not. But, I can say that taking the time to explore the virtual tidal wave of emotions that I’ve gone through, and am still experiencing, has made them much easier to weather.

That’s the key, really — acknowledging that you are angry or sad or depressed. Once you do, you validate the feelings and they are no longer so desperate. I urge every woman or couple out there to do the same. Talk to each other. Talk to someone else. Write a blog, keep a diary. Whatever you do, know you are not the only one, even if it feels just that way.

I was right.

AF showed. I ovulated. I KNEW it! I FELT it! I was RIGHT!

But does being right take away the disappointment of another failed cycle? No.

But it does give me hope that I can trust my own instincts in this TTC journey. And it's encouraging that both of these last cycles were perfectly in sync. I got a positive OPK on CD21 (it was my friend after all) and got my period at 12dpo. Exactly. So I have to be happy with the consistency of my body.

I also have my first appointment with the RE to look forward to next week. I expected to be scared, nervous, and worried. But as of right now, with the appointment being 5 days away, I feel empowered.. if that makes sense. I feel that we will walk in there and meet someone who will be able to help us get that little baby in our arms. I feel like I've overcome all the fear behind the testing, poking and prodding. Bring it on. I'm ready. I won't let fear weaken me in this quest anymore. I feel happy to have had Dr.Sikes on my side this whole time, but I'm ready to move on. I'm happy with the progress we made, but I'm ready to make more.

Because of current life situations, ultimately, we might meet with the RE, get a diagnosis, and decide to wait a little while to pursue further treatment. Everything is undecided, but not far from my mind.

It's the waiting game.. what else is new?

I may have jinxed myself.

Last night I started feeling a little bloated. I'm guessing AF will show any day. I tested this morning. BFN.

10 dpo, and feeling nothing.

No bloating, no pressure, no cramps. Nothing. Last cycle by this point I was feeling PMS majorly. The last few days all I've been noticing is a sore lower back and breast tenderness. Hmm. I guess in a few days I'll know for sure what's going on. My period is due in 2 days. I might test tomorrow morning, we'll see!

Keep Smiling

Feeling Better .

I called my doctor around 9:30 am on Tuesday but she wasn't in yet and she called me back around 12:40. I explained the whole thing to her, about how I really felt that I ovulated, but I didn't have it validated because I never got the smiley face. A friend was ever so kind to send me some opks this month because she had some left over from her last cycle. I told Dr.Sikes about that and when I told her they shipped in the mail she said that it's possible they went on a plane and that they probably had to go through an x-ray or magnetic scanner and that it's very possible that that messed up reader part of the opks. That hadn't even crossed my mind, but it makes total sense. We'll never know what really happened, but there are a few possibilities. So I told her what my symptoms were and that I really felt that for the first time my body was giving me signs that it was happening. She said that based on that, and in her professional opinion based on her experience also, she really thinks I ovulated. She also said that since I ovulated last month on this dose, that it really wouldn't make sense for me not to this time. She also decided against a progesterone draw to confirm ovulation because she didn't want to get inaccurate results.

So we are going with that I got a positive on CD 21 and ovulated on CD 22. So right now I am 6 dpo. I'm really REALLY going to try not to test until my period is late, which was about 12 dpo last month. My lower back hurts and I feel a little bloated.. My boobs hurt too, but that could all be pms.

So I'm trying to just forget about it and let time go by.

Over the weekend, Aaron and I decided that we want to move on to an RE next cycle if we're not pregnant this time. We just feel like we've given it a good shot with 4 Clomid cycles and that maybe it's time to be a little more closely monitored. Preferably while on Clomid, I should have internal ultrasounds every month as "follicle scans" to see how many mature follicles are ready to release eggs, if any. This time I really felt stuff on both sides, and that's kinda scary unmonitored. I have no idea what the hell happened in there you know? I'm really happy with the progress we've made with this doctor, but she's only there part time and sometimes that makes it hard to communicate. When I told my doctor this, she said that she agreed that we had given it a good try with Clomid and maybe it is time to move along. She hinted at the fact that even if I had stayed with her, she would have wanted me to take a few months off Clomid anyway to give my body a break. So she had me call Oregon Reproductive Medicine and make an appointment just to have a foot in the door. If we are somehow pregnant this cycle, I'll just cancel it. The appointment is set for 8 am (so Aaron can come with me) on Wednesday November 24th. That gives me plenty of time to either get a positive test, or start my period. They're sending me a packet to fill out in the mail and apparently it's going to be intense, the nurse warned me lol.

So, all in all, I'm feeling pretty good right now. A lot better than I was last friday, that's for sure. I feel confidant in the decision to trust my body and I can't wait to see what happens! WOO!

I took a picture of the OPK progression just for my peace of mind and also if any doctor needs to see it. I still see a very clear progression.

Frustration.

Sigh. I got so upset and frustrated on friday that I didn't even want to talk about it or think about it the whole weekend. Hence why I'm writing this at 11:15 on sunday night. I took my OPK friday expecting a definite positive due to what CD21 looked like and it was negative and really light. I was extremely confused by that. It made me think CD 21's was positive. But it if was positive, why didn't it smile at me? It was the darkest line I'd ever had on an OPK EVER. Not to mention that for the first time in our whole TTC journey, and YEARS, really, I felt like my body was giving me signs. It still was on friday. I felt bloaty, crampy, (not to mention still on both sides) and my lower back hurt. Now there's a twinge of doubt in my mind that I can't trust my own body and gut feeling. ARGH! I felt like screaming. I had a mini meltdown and vented at poor Aaron who couldn't really do much to cheer me up.

I guess the best I can do is just got with my gut and say CD22 is O day. We'll BD and see what happens. Only time will tell. Maybe I'll get pregnant, or maybe I'll start my period on my own again. That will tell me that I did O. And if nothing happens and I don't start AF naturally, I'll know I didn't, and that I really can't trust my body. Argh.

21 wasn't my friend.

Not this month, anyway. Another negative OPK tonight, but with a darker line than yesterday. Does that just mean my follies are taking a long while to mature? I'm just confused. My hubby also wondered and put in my head if maybe the electronic thingy that reads the test may be bad? I don't think so, because it does all the normal things, but I'm using my one from last cycle. Anyway. I only have one stick left to pee on, so it better be tomorrow!

SO CLOSE !

Let's refresh! Last month, on October 2nd on CD21, I got a positive OPK!


Here is what my OPK looked like tonight at CD20! It was negative, but that's DAMN close if you ask me! It will be positive tomorrow, I just know it! YAY! :) And of course it has to be CD21 on November 4th. All of those numbers mean a lot to me. Ever since I was little 4 has always been "my number". and I always ALWAYS make a wish at 11:11. 11/4. <3 21 has a very special meaning for DH and I. Firstly, my birthday is on a 21st, our first date was on a 21st, and we were married on a 21st. On our honeymoon in Vegas, we won $$$ on roulette on 21. lol.. it's just been a very lucky number for us. I'm loving it!

I think tomorrow!

I think tomorrow I'll see that little smiley face!! :)

Waiting to O!

I think I can feel something happening. Last month I was completely taken off guard and had no idea it was going to happen until I saw that little smiley face on the OPK. But this time, I really think I feel something going on inside me. I hope it's not just in my head, but I don't think it is. The only "problem", is I'm feeling things on both sides! For the past few days I've been feeling a very noticeable "full" feeling on both sides of my low low belly. Twinges and small cramps also. I'm not sure what will happen, but usually if you feel twinges of both sides, from what I understand that typically means that both ovaries are preparing to release eggs. Kind of scary.. I wish my doctor was able to do an internal ultrasound so we could take a peek at my follicles to see what's going on.

Tonight when I got home, I forgot to take an OPK! What is wrong with me?! lol.. So I took one around 8 pm with urine held for barely 2 hrs. Not so good.. It looked really similar to the one I got RIGHT before my positive last month, so I think maybe tomorrow will be the day! :D
It hasn't even entered my mind that it might not work this month because of how I've been feeling these last few days. I hope I'm not setting myself up for disappointment, but I don't think so. :) Come on ovaries! It's almost baby time!