A Break..

I love this blog. It has my journey written all over it. My pain, sorrow, discovery of myself and my limits.. And I think it's a shame that I don't write in it anymore. But my journey (and fight) with infertility is at a standstill, and has been for a while. I reluctantly put trying to get pregnant on the back burner quite some time ago, and now it's time for me to begin another journey in order to continue this one. I will be back to this blog. I promise. I will finish it with a happy ending. This is just a pause in the process.

7 Months

It has been 7 months since I wrote in my blog, yet I didn't notice when I stopped. For several months last winter, I was in a very dark place. I was living somewhere I felt completely trapped, and a depression ensued. Long days of doing nothing but stay in bed turned into weeks and months. I started taking an anti depressant a few months back, I don't recall when.. It's been hard to remember things lately. It seems to be helping, I suppose. After all, I do get up each morning now. I haven't felt a HUGE difference, but I think I'm definitely better than I was before.

A lot of things have changed in the last few months, too. Aaron and I finally moved the hell out of the horrible place we were holed in, and got our own apartment. We moved in February 1st. For the first time in a long long time, I had something to smile about. Then, in March, we were completely floored and surprised with an amazing opportunity.With the aid of an investor, we were able to purchase a 107 year old photography studio, very well known in our area. It was very exciting, but a very emotionally taxing experience as well. A few months in, things are better and we are settled, but we still have some stress getting the business back on its feet after a slight absence in the community. I'm so thankful to have somewhere to go everyday, though. A job again. Somewhere where I am needed and do productive things with my time. It's been a healing thing for me also. Taking a little piece of my life back.

On the health front, I honestly have not been doing so well. Everyday is a struggle to find 5 minutes when I feel "normal". I just feel sick all the time. I don't really know how to describe it, other than to say that I just don't feel well. It's hard. I hate having to tell my husband every day that I don't feel good. The look on his face almost kills me. I know he wishes I was better and that he could do something more to help me get there, but I'm sure he is getting pretty sick of hearing about it. I try not to complain too much, but when I don't feel good, I just don't. My symptoms feel like they have been escalating lately. I feel yucky/tired all the time. The simplest task (a good example of this is taking a shower) becomes incredibly taxing to the point where I have to lie down to rest afterward. I've been having dizzy spells and heart palpitations. Sometimes I'll be sitting still and my heart will start to beat wildly as if I just ran a marathon. It's very unnerving. One of the worst symptoms to me, is how badly I've been losing my hair. Everyday, I lose handfuls. When I shower, I don't exaggerate when I state that I pull out at least 2 fistfuls. I can never wear my hair straight any more. The minute I exit the shower after untangling it, it starts the nasty cycle again. It dries, starts falling out, but has nowhere to go so it gets stuck within itself and tangles to the point of needing conditioner and a hairbrush in every shower. It's fairly long right now, past my shoulders. But tomorrow I'll be headed to a salon to have it cut short., probably somewhere between chin and shoulders. A layered bob. I figure it will be easier to take care of this way, and I might actually feel pretty again. Speaking of feeling pretty, the unrelenting weight gain has been so painful and difficult. No matter what I do, I don't have the energy to exercise properly, or, let's be frank, the metabolism to even warrant trying. My doctor made it pretty clear that having this disease makes it next to impossible to lose weight (no matter how much you exercise) unless your medication is on the right dosage. Given my symptoms and their severity, I do believe I am wayyyy off.

Unfortunately, owning your own business means you don't have a corporate daddy to pay half of your insurance bills anymore. No insurance = no doctor. For now at least. I am working, but not making any money quite yet. Fortunately for our situation, Aaron was promoted to district manager of CPI Corp. a few weeks ago. His salary bump should help us to get caught up and stay afloat a little higher.

Basically, all in all, things are good in some aspects, just not in my health department. And let's face it, it's hard to focus on all the good when you don't feel good. I am trying, though.

I really hate how my mind thinks, but I really can't help it sometimes. I just go back to the place when we decided to start our family. It's been two and a half years. Still no baby. And no hope of even HOPING for one any time soon, either, with how I'm feeling. My body is so messed up it can't even function on it's own. How I remember how gleeful and giddy we were at first... only to be so disappointed. We wanted a baby. What did we get instead? A pile of doctor bills and a shitty disease that make my life hell.

I've come to terms with the fact that we aren't trying right now. I know with how I'm feeling, I wouldn't be healthy enough to have a good pregnancy. Yes, I've come to terms. That doesn't mean it's easy. Usually I get by okay. Yes there are the pregnancy announcements by the dozens, and the fact that my friends are now lapping me and are pregnant with their second child... That stuff doesn't faze me anymore, on a good day. But then there are days when something will catch you so out of the blue, that it knocks all the air out of you.

Father's day, for instance. We went to Aaron's parents' house for brunch. Our little nieces are growing adorably, and are now old enough to be little nonstop chatter boxes. We were all sitting around when they innocently sang the "Happy father's day" song for uncle Aaron. My heart stopped and I could hardly take my next breath. And it hit me just how incredibly sad it was that they didn't grasp the concept that uncle Aaron wasn't a dad, because he's the only married adult male in his family to be childless. Heart wrenching.

Usually, I won't have two bad days in a row. But as luck would have it, today was not good for me also. Aaron had to go to one of his stores for work, and I tagged along. This store was Babies R Us. I was actually excited to go in, because TTC or not, I've always loved baby items. At first I was fine. I walked around and looked at the clearance racks. Then suddenly, I looked up and there was a pregnant woman. I looked away, and there was another. I looked all around me and realized I was surrounded by women who were at Babies R Us to plan the future of their real baby, not their hope to have someday baby. I walked away, but my heart started beating very fast and I could hardly breathe. I felt myself breaking apart, but thankfully, I didn't let it happen. I picked up my phone and called my best friends for a distraction. It worked. I felt so unsettled afterward. It really did hit me out of nowhere. I wasn't going in to feel sorry for myself, but I certainly left feeling so.

 When I was blogging before, I always felt that writing down my feelings was helpful. I realize now just how therapeutic this 2 am writing session really was. I'll be back.