Blank.

Well... It was negative. Of course it was negative. What was I thinking getting my hopes up a tiny bit. At least I didn't have time
To think about it at all over the weekend, what a whirlwind Christmas we had! But still no period. I've had tender sore nipples for about a week now but still nothing. On Wednesday I have to call my doctor for provera if I've still had no progress. I feel like that's really taking a step back, but what are you gonna do. Sigh. Just part of the game.

6 days late.

Today, my period is 6 days late.

Honestly? I feel.... I don't know how I feel. I think mostly angry that my body is doing this. (of course if I am miraculously pregnant, I won't be angry) I feel like just when I'm starting to feel okay about moving on with our 6 month break, my body slaps me in the face and says, "Haha! I'm gonna mess with your head just one last time!!" These last 2 cycles on clomid have been absolutely fantastic in the fact that my body was acting normal and being so regular. Like clockwork, on cd 21 I'd get the positive opk and at 12 dpo my period would start. It was great! I was finally being "regular" for once. And now this. I didn't do anything differently this cycle. I took clomid 150 mgs on cds 3-7. Although I didn't keep track with opks (for which I am now kicking myself, but I thought it would make things easier emotionally since we had decided to stop trying) I thought I felt ovulation happen on cd 19 (earlier than normal too. I even had a little ewcm) and I was expecting my period by December 17th at the latest. They took a pregnancy test at the doctor's office 8 days ago and it was negative, so I went on with my life. Now I'm doubting everything again.

Of course, the logical thing to do would be to test again, right? And I will tomorrow morning if AF doesn't show today, but I don't even want to. I don't "feel" pregnant. I don't feel anything. And if I test and see that empty space where the line for a positive should be, I don't want it to upset me. I feel like I've made strides in the right direction as far as accepting the things I cannot change and moving on. I just feel like saying, "why now?" couldn't I have just started my period like normal and not even have to be having these thoughts? I'm frustrated.

I have a lot of stress this month. A LOT. It could be as simple as that, the reason why I'm late. Or it could be that clomid didn't work for me this cycle and there was no ovulation. Or I guess it could be a miracle, considering we didn't BD at the right times, and I am pregnant. But I'm not holding my breath. Regardless, I have to test before I call the GYN for provera. So I guess one more round of torture is right up ahead. Sigh.

Update

I had my appointment today with my gynecologist for my annual, and to discuss our decision to take a 6 month break from TTC. I love my GYN. She's such a wonderful person and made me feel a lot better. She always spends at least an hour with me and we talk things through. I even let all my pent up emotions go and cried in there for a while. I felt like a heel, but it needed to come out, and she's the one it came out at. lol..

She said the RE that we saw is very good at what he does, but he's very rough around the edges. She described him as NOT "warm and fuzzy". I couldn't agree more. She said he's very matter of fact and some things that he said could have been taken the wrong way, meaning sounding worse than they actually are. I felt a little better after hearing her say that. I asked her if I were to get pregnant right now at my current weight and blood sugar levels, would it be a dangerous pregnancy, and her answer was no. I felt a ton better. Regardless, we are still taking a break to focus on weight loss, because after all, it is necessary and could only help. She is on board with the plan and the up dosage of Metformin (barf). I have no idea if I actually ovulated on clomid last cycle or not, (I'm guessing so) if I did, my period is expected in 2 days. They did an pregnancy test, which was of course a BFN, considering we didn't BD at the right times. So the plan is, if I don't get my period by Dec. 29th, I need to call her for Provera. We need to make sure I still have a bleed at least once every 6 wks. She also said together with the Metformin, the weight loss might actually help me start cycling on my own again and we might even get knocked up during our 6 month wait. :)

She professionally declined giving me birth control during our wait. We talked about it, and she thinks it would do more harm than good at this point. So, I'm kinda happy about that. I wasn't looking forward to start taking it again anyway.

After talking, we did my annual, and come to find out, I have a damn yeast infection!! I thought something wasn't feeling right down there the last few days, but I've never had one before and I had no idea what it felt like. I guess I'm lucky I had an appointment at the right time so she could prescribe a pill to make it go away! Sure am looking forward to that. Yucky itchyness.

At the end, she told me that even though it's difficult that we're taking a break, I need to look at it as PART of the journey, not stopping the journey to pick it up again later. It's all part of the process that will get us a little baby someday. :)

Coming to terms...

I've been kinda avoiding my blog since we made the decision to take a break. I haven't even really posted on here that we have. Basically, the visit to the RE was less than ideal, for me. I was left feeling confused and still determined, but my husband had to reign me in and make me see clearly. The Dr (whom I wasn't too crazy about) diagnosed me with a variant of PCOS. Basically what that means for me, is that I'm badly insulin resistant and have a tendency to have high blood sugar and to put on unnecessary weight. My body does not process sugars and fats the way it should, and not knowing I had it and leaving it untreated with my current diet has put me in a bad bad place weight wise. I'm the heaviest I've ever been, and I don't like it at all. Unfortunately, that means that if I were to become pregnant right now, there would be a lot of risks involved. High blood sugar during pregnancy causes you to develop gestational diabetes and also it can cause birth defects. My weight would affect my blood pressure, since my heart would be pumping double the blood for the baby, and that is extremely dangerous. The reason I'm not ovulating is due to the fact that the PCOS is screwing with my hormones and sending the wrong signals to the ovaries. I guess essentially, my body is trying to save itself by not letting me become pregnant.. Once I realized that, it was kind of hard to swallow, but true.

The doctor layed out a plan that would override my body with drugs and have me pregnant by April he said, but without saying the words, he advised against it. When I heard that, I was ecstatic. All I heard was "Pregnant by April". My husband on the other hand, had his head on right, and heard all the bad things that would likely happen. We had a talk on the way home and he made me realize that Yes, we want a baby. But we want a healthy baby, and a healthy pregnancy. Why put myself and our child through the risks of serious consequences if we can avoid it? He is so right. I don't want to be bed ridden and sick and have to inject myself with insulin everyday just to keep myself alive while I'm pregnant. That's not what I picture in my head. I want to be a beautiful, glowing pregnant lady that has a ton of energy to keep going until I deliver. That dream was pretty much shattered at the doctor's office.

So here's the new plan. I am on some serious medication (twice the dose I was on before) to help regain control of my insulin resistance and on a diet and exercise plan to help me lose about 40 lbs before we start trying again. That should help lower the risks significantly and help me have that healthy pregnancy we both want. I'm going to my GYN on December 15th to pick up birth control pills and to have my annual exam to make sure everything up there looks good after all these rounds of fertility treatments. 6 month break, minimum, then we'll re evaluate.

At first, I had a very hard time letting go. We've been at this for almost a full year, and I felt like I was giving up. But after thinking about it and realizing all the things I needed to accept, I feel better about it already. It's still hard sometimes, of course, when I think about it and wanting something so strongly that I can't have right now. But it's for the best.

Anyway.. I'm rambling. I imagine I won't have too many posts these next 6 months, but I'll check in from time to time.

On this thanksgiving, I need this.

Grant me the Serenity to accept things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
and the Wisdom to know the difference.
Patience for the things that take time,
Appreciation for all that I have,
and Strength to get up and try again even when I feel it is hopeless.

ON HIATUS.

Be back in 6 months....

A borrowed story that hits close to home.

If you are a woman who has spent your life imagining what it would be like to have a child, then you know how exciting it is when you finally decide that you are ready to make that leap. You are finally prepared to put yourself second. You are willing to make a child the number one priority in life. You are ready to get pregnant!

If you are a woman who has tried and tried and who has been unable to conceive, then you also know the veritable barrage of emotions that you encounter — grief, embarrassment, uselessness.

As a 29 year-old woman I have been married for four years and have been with the same man since I was 19. I can hardly remember a time when I didn’t want to have children with him. I cannot remember a time at all, for that matter, when I didn’t daydream about being a mother one day.
Every woman in my family is like a fertility machine. They get pregnant the first time they try. They get pregnant every time they try. Imagine my surprise when after a year of trying I still wasn’t pregnant.

You might not think about it often, but it’s a relative shot in the dark. It is amazing how many people get pregnant unexpectedly, actually. It has to happen one of three or four specific days which are often hard to pinpoint for many women.

Frustration sets in. Why me? Why can so many people get pregnant the one time they have unprotected sex while I’m doing everything ever suggested by doctors, old wives tales, myths, and a woman down the street has eight kids?

When you spend a year trying to conceive and are unable, it is often considered an early sign of infertility. I hate that word I like to say I’m ‘baby challenged’. You (and your partner) are then subjected to every test under the sun, most of which involve full or partial nudity in front of one or more people, often with legs spread in a very compromising position. But, hey, you’ll do anything to find out a reason why?

For many, these tests reveal very little. In my case perfectly healthy, both of us. These things all result in orders to eat better, weight loss/gain, and are more likely than not accompanied by some sort of medication that will throw your body into complete turmoil . Exhausted but able/not able to sleep. Oh, and did I mention the hot flashes and headaches?

Another year goes by. I start to feel guilty. The doctors are currently unable to find a problem. I believe it is likely something in my body causing the ‘baby challenge’ that doctors haven’t identified yet. As a woman, a woman wanting a child so badly and not particually career driven. if I am not able to conceive, what is my purpose? I can say with absolute certainty that my husband does not hold even an ounce of contempt or blame for me. That does not hold off the guilt and feelings of uselessness. They rear their ugly heads on a daily basis.

With the guilt comes the worst feeling of all. When you want so desperately to have a child and cannot, you begin to begrudge the people around you the same happiness you want for yourself.

My cousin(s) or friend(s) become pregnant. I am simultaneously happy for her and extremely bitter. Her baby shower is torture because not only do I feel angry that things are so good for her, I feel like a heinous person for even having these thoughts in the first place. I am angry at everyone, including myself.

The kicker of all of this? “Stress”, they say, makes it harder to conceive. Right. No problem. “Stop trying and it will happen”, they say. Why didn’t I think of that before? I’ll get right on that!

So here we are, almost four years into the process (because that’s exactly what it’s become – a process) with no results. I am on the cusp of having my second IUI procedure (I get three tries free on the NHS). IVF would be wonderful… we can save up the £3-6,000+ that it would take, and possibly more after that........no problem. Then comes re-mortgaging...

It would be nice for this to have a happy ending like me writing in all bold letters “I’m pregnant!” I’m not. But, I can say that taking the time to explore the virtual tidal wave of emotions that I’ve gone through, and am still experiencing, has made them much easier to weather.

That’s the key, really — acknowledging that you are angry or sad or depressed. Once you do, you validate the feelings and they are no longer so desperate. I urge every woman or couple out there to do the same. Talk to each other. Talk to someone else. Write a blog, keep a diary. Whatever you do, know you are not the only one, even if it feels just that way.

I was right.

AF showed. I ovulated. I KNEW it! I FELT it! I was RIGHT!

But does being right take away the disappointment of another failed cycle? No.

But it does give me hope that I can trust my own instincts in this TTC journey. And it's encouraging that both of these last cycles were perfectly in sync. I got a positive OPK on CD21 (it was my friend after all) and got my period at 12dpo. Exactly. So I have to be happy with the consistency of my body.

I also have my first appointment with the RE to look forward to next week. I expected to be scared, nervous, and worried. But as of right now, with the appointment being 5 days away, I feel empowered.. if that makes sense. I feel that we will walk in there and meet someone who will be able to help us get that little baby in our arms. I feel like I've overcome all the fear behind the testing, poking and prodding. Bring it on. I'm ready. I won't let fear weaken me in this quest anymore. I feel happy to have had Dr.Sikes on my side this whole time, but I'm ready to move on. I'm happy with the progress we made, but I'm ready to make more.

Because of current life situations, ultimately, we might meet with the RE, get a diagnosis, and decide to wait a little while to pursue further treatment. Everything is undecided, but not far from my mind.

It's the waiting game.. what else is new?

I may have jinxed myself.

Last night I started feeling a little bloated. I'm guessing AF will show any day. I tested this morning. BFN.

10 dpo, and feeling nothing.

No bloating, no pressure, no cramps. Nothing. Last cycle by this point I was feeling PMS majorly. The last few days all I've been noticing is a sore lower back and breast tenderness. Hmm. I guess in a few days I'll know for sure what's going on. My period is due in 2 days. I might test tomorrow morning, we'll see!